Shakin' The Salt: Chili Cookoff Time is Bud's Favorite

The first or second  weekend in June is one of my husband’s favorite times of the year – the summer kick-off of chili judging!

No one can believe it when they see the judge badge, “Judge Peppers.” They always ask his real name, and he simply says, “It’s true! And my wife is Dr. Peppers.” They either laugh or groan, and either way don’t believe him.

When Bud started judging chili cookoffs some 20 years ago, someone shared a hilarious supposedly true but anonymously documented judging story. I doubted it at the time but after seeing some of the judges he has had to put up with, I am sure there has been worse!

Nonetheless, it sets the chili cook-off season stage well and went something like this:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

JUDGE THREE: Holy smokes, what the @#$%^&* is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one.

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

JUDGE THREE: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

JUDGE THREE: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I have located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods.

JUDGE THREE: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.

Chili #5: Lydia’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

JUDGE THREE: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

JUDGE THREE: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. Why has Sally disappeared?

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

JUDGE THREE: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful, and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE THREE: – (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report).

Debra Peppers, a professional speaker for 25 years, was one of only five inducted into the National Teachers Hall of Fame upon her retirement from Lindbergh High School. A member of the National Speakers Association, she has traveled to all 50 states and 60 countries teaching others that if she can go from being a 250-pound high school dropout, to Teacher of the Year there is hope for every child and adult. For info, visit www.pepperseed.org