How to Handle Unwanted Parenting Advice

This week’s Patch Moms Council question come from Emily. How do you handle it if a stranger stops you to offer advice on how to discipline your child or provides other unsolicited parenting advice?

Emily: As a mom, of course I have gotten funny looks and the occasional unsolicited advice, even from strangers. Most of the time these are well meaning older ladies (and the occasional gentleman) who have experience and want to share their ideas and wisdom. I can easily handle this. I have even appreciated their offerings. However, when someone is rude or makes judgments based in ignorance about my children or me as a parent, it becomes difficult.

Most all moms have dealt with these sorts of situations.

What I have done in the past is ignore, smile, wink and walk away, or I take the opportunity to educate and enlighten folks.

One of my children is on the autism spectrum. His “behavior,” which is actually manifestations of a real disability called autism, is sometimes unusual to strangers who may not be educated about autism.

Thanks to therapists, educators and years of research and experience, I know what to do when various situations occur with safe, positive and effective methods. However, when I am trying to calm my child, others may interfere with questions, rude comments or judgments. This not only hampers the ability to take care of a situation and calmly redirect my child, but it is also pretty hurtful and frustrating. These experiences at first made me angry, naturally.

But with time, through my work as an advocate, and with the organization I founded, I have thought of ways to educate and enlighten the public without being rude in return. We have created awareness cards with tips and quick facts about autism with a link to our website for more information. Many families and advocates have been snapping them up and using them, which is a great way to ensure you don’t lose your cool and make an annoying situation into a bigger problem. It also helps educate the community at large about autism and how to communicate with people on the spectrum.

When my children were smaller and they would cry and yell, I would always apologize to people around me. Now that they are a little older, the noisy problems are not as common, but I will still apologize if I feel my children are a distraction. My children do need to learn what is appropriate and how to get along in society, we just have to work with our child with autism in different ways. However, society also needs to grow and become aware that not all of us are the same and that some of us are dealing with real challenges that we cannot help. So for us, handing a card to folks is a perfect combination of helping the public understand and also helping our children learn how to handle situations in an acceptable way.

A little patience, understanding and education goes a long way in making the world a better place.

Michelle: My son does have Asperger's which is a form of autism. I'm thankful that no one has ever stopped me and said that I needed to "spank" my child or discipline him differently. I'm thankful because I feel very sorry for the person that does!

He has a mild form of Asperger's so most people that don't know him wouldn't think a thing about it. I'm lucky--we don't have too many issues when we go out. If we do, I tell him to stop doing whatever it is and he does. We will talk about it in the car on the way home and it's done.

My cousin has two kids with forms of behavior problems. I have to tell you she is a saint. She has more patience than any person I know. Yes, it's hard for me to handle her kids behavior and everyone wants to say just spank them--but that isn't going to help their situation. Spanking her kids will NOT change their behavior. Do you spank an infant for crying--NO--it would be the same for her kids. They are getting help, they are on medication. Next time you see a child acting up, give the mom a break and don't judge her!

Wendy: Fortunately, I have not had to deal with someone telling me how to discipline my kids. They were usually well behaved when out in public.

Denise: My oldest kid never acted up as a little guy, not even at home. He’s a very laid back and well behaved boy. We would often receive compliments from strangers on how well mannered my son was acting. However, my youngest, currently four years old, is a little more … spunky. Fortunately no one has ever approached me on the few occasions he’s had a public temper tantrum. I’ve always tried to play it cool when the kid melts down and have not yet lost my own temper with him. In public, at least.